My twin and my husband never got along. I don't know if they were in some weired way fighting for my affections or thought that I was going to love one less then the other but they didn't like each other. My brother always thought that I was too good for my husband and that he didn't deserve me. Oddly enough this was unbeknown to me. He told his friends how he felt but he always supported me. Cedric V. Brown for some reason caught my attention and my heart.

When my brother died Cedric came to the hospital once to see him. Chris was loaded with tubes and unable to talk or really interact. He looked at him and prayed but seemed to kinda distance him self from what was before him. Not that he didn't care but that it was uneasy for him to watch.

When Chris died I was called to the hospital and went upstairs. He was laying in the bed...facing up, eyes wide open and butt naked. I knew he was gone. I went home and sat in the car in the rain and waited on the girls to get home so I could tell them what had happen. My husband knew as soon as he saw me get out of the car. He hugged me and we went inside. He poured me a drink. Ced knew that I didn't drink but that if ever I needed a drink it was then.

Shortly there after we feel out. He didn't go to the funeral and seemed frustrated that he couldn't find a job. He had even applied to McDonald's. Now looking back I can see that in his eyes he needed the job to save his family. But for me to have suffered a loss like that and him to not have been at my side DEEPLY troubled me. I was angry and kicked him out. I didn't understand why he couldn't be there for me. I was very hurt. During the course of our marriage I had taken care of him. Not because he was lazy but because when we first met he had a stroke and was never really the same. I went to see him every day for a month and a half while he was in the hospital. When he needed to be cleaned I would clean him. I would also make sure he was fed and had his meds. He told his aunt he knew I loved him from that day on.

The fact that we fell out over something so preventable angers me. The lack of communication and understanding is sad. See.....Cedric died 2/1/2011. He was only 36. I still very much loved him but no matter how hard i looked for him and try to find him I couldn't. He lived pretty much like a nomad. I don't know if he knew just how much I loved him and that I really didn't want to choose between him and my twin. Ced died alone, in the wee hours of the morning on the bathroom floor of a rooming house. He was alone. He died of high blood pressure and the valve in his heart busted and flooded his chest with blood. He had been dead some days before they found him. How no one heard him fall in a house full of people is appalling.

Even given the manner of his death and the fact that he and I didn't get back together like we were obviously planning.....I still loved him. I think that god just has other plans for him. I know now just the scope of how much I love him and how I will never stop. The fact that he was still looking for me and planning to get us back is evidence that he still loved me. I hate that I didn't get to tell him I loved him but .......some how I feel he knows. One day I will see him again and until then I take comfort in the joy he brought into my life.





Gone but NEVER forgotten. RIP Cedric Vondell Brown

Yayyyyyy me

Just wanted to post that today I hiked 5 miles with my little babies. Sure I was tired and in pain but my daughters loved it. If I had a perm I would have been mad. But it was really worth it.

My how times change

I know I haven't written in a year and there is so much that has changed. But I want to share something that has completely changed me for the better. In early 2010 I went back to school and began attending classes. That coupled with work and the kids I became very busy. Long story short I became pregnant with the child of my childhood sweetheart. I didnt really know until I was 5 months. One of the most depressing things was that I didnt have my brother to tell me things were going to be alright and that he stood by me. I was use to having his support and love. I pretty much ended up going thru it by myself but for some reason I was not. I mean I was chipper and happy.

When the big day came for me to deliver I was asleep and had a dream that my brother was talking to me about my daughter (unborn) and telling me congratulations. I woke up thinking that I had to go to the bathroom but the stream of "urine" was continuous. I didn't think nothing of it. I went to walmart and rode around on the scooter just in case. Then while in the dairy section I had the sharpest pain ever and I knew it was time for me to go. When I got to the hospital sure enough my water had broken.

The thing I feared most was having to go on the operating table. I knew that I would have to have a C section but hoped that they wouldn't put me under. As I was administered that pain medication I started to sing "you are my sunshine" and cry uncontrollably. Here I was delivering early, alone and scared. I kept thinking about Chis and how he went in the operation thinking that it was going to be alright and how it turned out. I panicked on the table and had to be given something to calm me down. It was frightening and cold. When I heard her crying I remember feeling a sense of peace and like he was in the room by me. My brother wanted the best for me. Even though I may have made a lot of mistakes in my life he always stood by me. Even if he didn't agree. For that I love him. Taylor Chris Poindexter may never know her uncle personally but I know he loves her and will do everything in my power to make sure she knows him.

Today I broke

I was sitting in class taking a test that I wasn't 100% ready for and I got up to give the teacher my paper. I felt bad that I haven't been able to give it 100% like I wanted to and that I couldn't understand everything but was glad that I was trying and fighting for at least the chance to fail. She pulled me aside and for the first time in 6 months I told some one just how overwhelmed I was. I had just taken major test and passed but forgot to three voluntarily test at work an got a write up. The supervisor told me he felt like I ignored him. While he was rambling on about his "professional" feelings I was lost in my own but they had never known it. I was hiding it. My 12 year old had her very first recital and did so well but it was overshadowed by the fact that her father had promises her he would go and he didn't. She broke out in tears as soon as she left the stage. I was devastated completely. She didn't see the beauty in what she was doing or how she is....just the huge disappoint meant that he was to her. I tried my best not to cry right along with her. All I could do was assure her that she was beautiful both inside and out and let here know how much I loved her and remind her that I was always there. Some how I don't think that it is enough.

After class my mind flashed back to seeing Chris body on the table and the nurses stating that the were working to save him and that he was going to be alright....I asked them to stop and let him go. He was gone. There was nothing in his eyes and I felt that he was gone. He had held on for MONTHS so that everyone could say good bye but I knew he was tired. His body was so bloated and he just wasn't there. I sat in my car for the next hour screaming and crying. I was suppose to protect him. If I had just pushed for him not to go and do the surgery then he would still be here. But I remember him telling me that he wanted to get it over with so he could get a job and help me and the girls. He was going to come and stay with me and that made him happy. He never judge me. He would push me to do what I needed to do. He was always there. If I needed it he would get it or break his neck trying. And now that is just gone. I cried the WHOLE way home. Thinking of ways I could have prevented his death and what a great person he was. He wasn't perfect and knew he didn't have to be around me.

I broke. I don't know what I am capable of and I am scared that I will snap. It is my biggest fear that I will hurt some one that I love.I told him that I didn't feel right about the surgery....why didn't he listen.

The wonders of the mind

During the last days of his life my brother and I would sit and REALLY talk. He would ask me about what I really wanted out of life and I would ask him the same. He was ready to grow to be the man that I knew him to be. He was becoming comfortable with his past and really striving to reach his goals. He encouraged me to go back to school. Some thing that I had been putting off for YEARS. I knew I could do it and that he would reach his goals but I wasn't comfortable with making the move. While he was in the hospital I would sneak in and spend the night. The nurses really didn't mind. I would read and watch TV with him. His feet have began to decay. You could literally see the imprint in them because he hadn't walked in 5 months. I would wash them and put lotion on them and some time trim his nails. I started school and remembered promising that I would finish so that I could buy the girls, he and I a house. All I could do was cry my day of school. I must have cried and every class. I miss him and know that he is with me at all times. I love him more than most will ever know. He was a REALLY AWESOME guy, with a lot to offer but no one could see it. I am scared that I will die alone. Women like me are rare but often over looked. But I am always amazed at the wonders with in the human mind.

May is coming

Chris died in May and the closer it comes the more anxiety I feel. Kinda like I am reliving it. Alot lately I have found myself thinking about death. There was a time when I was afraid of it but I was able to get over it.The more that I think about it....the more I am afraid again. I am thinking about being cremated versus buried. When you are buried your body is enclosed. I want to be free. Some days have been good for me and some are less the horrible. But I just take it one day at a time.

The truth

I had a dream last night that I was going about life know what a ugly state the world was in and I knew it was set to end. Then god came to me and said that I can prevent it with the help of an angle. He sent the angel in the most ordinary fashion. I was walking and he just walked up to me and introduced his self but something was familiar about him. I paid no mine. He told me that he knew when and where the anti Christ was going to appear and that we would be able to prevent the end but destroying him. We went and after a long battle, we won. The angel then sat me down and told me how Thankful he was that I decided to help. He said he knows how much I miss him but didn't trust anyone else to fight for the good of mankind. And I paused and said miss you? But I don't even know you. He hung his head low and when he can back up it was Chris. Chris told me that when he flat lined at the hospital god came to him and asked him to fight for him. My brother accepted and told god that with the condition that he get to say goodbye to the ones he love. That is why he came back and lived for five more months. All I could do was cry but he said from now on let them be tears of happiness and not sorrow. I would up feeling like a TRUE child of god and like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders.