My twin and my husband never got along. I don't know if they were in some weired way fighting for my affections or thought that I was going to love one less then the other but they didn't like each other. My brother always thought that I was too good for my husband and that he didn't deserve me. Oddly enough this was unbeknown to me. He told his friends how he felt but he always supported me. Cedric V. Brown for some reason caught my attention and my heart.

When my brother died Cedric came to the hospital once to see him. Chris was loaded with tubes and unable to talk or really interact. He looked at him and prayed but seemed to kinda distance him self from what was before him. Not that he didn't care but that it was uneasy for him to watch.

When Chris died I was called to the hospital and went upstairs. He was laying in the bed...facing up, eyes wide open and butt naked. I knew he was gone. I went home and sat in the car in the rain and waited on the girls to get home so I could tell them what had happen. My husband knew as soon as he saw me get out of the car. He hugged me and we went inside. He poured me a drink. Ced knew that I didn't drink but that if ever I needed a drink it was then.

Shortly there after we feel out. He didn't go to the funeral and seemed frustrated that he couldn't find a job. He had even applied to McDonald's. Now looking back I can see that in his eyes he needed the job to save his family. But for me to have suffered a loss like that and him to not have been at my side DEEPLY troubled me. I was angry and kicked him out. I didn't understand why he couldn't be there for me. I was very hurt. During the course of our marriage I had taken care of him. Not because he was lazy but because when we first met he had a stroke and was never really the same. I went to see him every day for a month and a half while he was in the hospital. When he needed to be cleaned I would clean him. I would also make sure he was fed and had his meds. He told his aunt he knew I loved him from that day on.

The fact that we fell out over something so preventable angers me. The lack of communication and understanding is sad. See.....Cedric died 2/1/2011. He was only 36. I still very much loved him but no matter how hard i looked for him and try to find him I couldn't. He lived pretty much like a nomad. I don't know if he knew just how much I loved him and that I really didn't want to choose between him and my twin. Ced died alone, in the wee hours of the morning on the bathroom floor of a rooming house. He was alone. He died of high blood pressure and the valve in his heart busted and flooded his chest with blood. He had been dead some days before they found him. How no one heard him fall in a house full of people is appalling.

Even given the manner of his death and the fact that he and I didn't get back together like we were obviously planning.....I still loved him. I think that god just has other plans for him. I know now just the scope of how much I love him and how I will never stop. The fact that he was still looking for me and planning to get us back is evidence that he still loved me. I hate that I didn't get to tell him I loved him but .......some how I feel he knows. One day I will see him again and until then I take comfort in the joy he brought into my life.





Gone but NEVER forgotten. RIP Cedric Vondell Brown

Yayyyyyy me

Just wanted to post that today I hiked 5 miles with my little babies. Sure I was tired and in pain but my daughters loved it. If I had a perm I would have been mad. But it was really worth it.

My how times change

I know I haven't written in a year and there is so much that has changed. But I want to share something that has completely changed me for the better. In early 2010 I went back to school and began attending classes. That coupled with work and the kids I became very busy. Long story short I became pregnant with the child of my childhood sweetheart. I didnt really know until I was 5 months. One of the most depressing things was that I didnt have my brother to tell me things were going to be alright and that he stood by me. I was use to having his support and love. I pretty much ended up going thru it by myself but for some reason I was not. I mean I was chipper and happy.

When the big day came for me to deliver I was asleep and had a dream that my brother was talking to me about my daughter (unborn) and telling me congratulations. I woke up thinking that I had to go to the bathroom but the stream of "urine" was continuous. I didn't think nothing of it. I went to walmart and rode around on the scooter just in case. Then while in the dairy section I had the sharpest pain ever and I knew it was time for me to go. When I got to the hospital sure enough my water had broken.

The thing I feared most was having to go on the operating table. I knew that I would have to have a C section but hoped that they wouldn't put me under. As I was administered that pain medication I started to sing "you are my sunshine" and cry uncontrollably. Here I was delivering early, alone and scared. I kept thinking about Chis and how he went in the operation thinking that it was going to be alright and how it turned out. I panicked on the table and had to be given something to calm me down. It was frightening and cold. When I heard her crying I remember feeling a sense of peace and like he was in the room by me. My brother wanted the best for me. Even though I may have made a lot of mistakes in my life he always stood by me. Even if he didn't agree. For that I love him. Taylor Chris Poindexter may never know her uncle personally but I know he loves her and will do everything in my power to make sure she knows him.