Just .....ugh..... Lord help me...please.

Today I was reminded of why Chris was always kinda protective and defensive when it came to me. I had a male friend or shall I say someone that I thought was a do some straight GRIMY shyt... like just grimy. And I just got so heated and lost my temper. How could you let me do for you as a friend and pretend to have good intentions in a friendship if that is truely not where your attentions lie. He just ugh.... a huge ass regret. He called my phone after ignoring me for DAYS and have me worried about your well being. My brother use to cool me down and just tell me how nothing that I think is serious enough to get mad over is not that serious at all.... I started to do some real G s*#! but caught myself. It wasn't that serious when I really thought about it and he was right people reap what they sow. The best that we can hope for in this life is to have good company until god calls us home. So Iam asking you guys to pray lord...please help her temper and help her to outgrow it. All Iam coming up with is just ugh.....lord help me....please.

Memorial

I won a tattoo contest and went to go and get it on Monday. I wrote about my brother and why I miss him. The guy that actually tatted me had twins and said that he most definitely knew what I was going thru to a degree. People act like it is a switch and I can just turn it off but I am going thru some thing alot more complicated then that. I went with the fear of the pain from the tat but there was a completely different feeling once I was actually there getting it done. I felt better. Alot of the pain and the hurt that I was feeling related to the death dissipated. I felt relieved and relaxed. My sister has been procrastinating about getting one but that isn't me. Where there is a will there is always a way. It turned out real nice and I was happy with the end result. The whole time he was doing it we went over stories Chris. This bus itself was completely tricked out and state of the art. Everything was top notch and up to date. I was impressed. There has been change in my behavior since I have gotten it. I have been smiling every time some one ask me about it. My face just lights up like a Christmas tree. I feel ALOT better. Kinda like I released some of the anger and negative emotions. But there is a stare that I get from certain people that is kinda funny, funny because they look at me as if I am a thug or some outlaw type and that couldn't be further from the truth.

Ugh today was just awful...... Things I had hope to do for my brother myself are being over taken by others and right now I just don't want to be bothered by anyone at all. ....ugh.

One of my sisters called me early in the morning yesturday crying about Chris. See he has a Myspace and the only reason she hasn't deleted her's is because he is one of her friends. It said "Christopher is in your extended network"... She busted out crying cause she said she would rather he be here. Death is never really easy but it is a fact of life. Pray for healing and guidence and god will see you thru.

To clarify I didn't make this blog to make people depressed or bring them down. But to let the know what I saw in the last days of his life and why I celebrate him. Chris was a very special kind of person. He had what my grandmother would call a old soul. He cared about every one around him and everything. I use to get mad at him all the time for doing so much for others and not enough for himself. I was in the library when someone asked me about him. I just busted out crying. Most that know me know that it is EXTREMELY abnormal for me to be such a blubbering mess. I can't really complain because I got to say my goodbyes and he knew that I loved him deeply and would have done anything for him. He was in so much pain in his final days that that fact that he died is not what hurts but the fact that he will never again go thru my refrigerator and eat all my left overs. He will never again go thru my car to make sure I have a spare tire and jack. From time to time I will be posting my thoughts on him in this blog as a way of venting if you will. Feel free to put what you want on here as well, cause since writing it has helped me immensely. Always let your love ones know that you love them and keep them close to your heart cause you never know when god will call them home.

Christopher Robert Poindexter passed the day before Memorial day. He went into the hospital to have a mass removed off his kidney and flatlined on the table for 20 minutes. He was 27 years old. When they brought him back he had brain damage from being under for so long. Chris had seizures and the tremors. He has to get a tracheotomy to help him breath (hole in the neck). Since January 23 he was in a semi comatose state. He had lost an lot of weight and the hair in the back of his head from lack of movement. Chris held on till every one that I could contact made it down there to say their goodbyes. I am posting this so I don't have to keep telling people. It hurts to keep going over it. He was heaven sent and a GREAT person. The first pick is the day before and the second is afterwards. Please tell anyone that you dont think know.