Today I broke

I was sitting in class taking a test that I wasn't 100% ready for and I got up to give the teacher my paper. I felt bad that I haven't been able to give it 100% like I wanted to and that I couldn't understand everything but was glad that I was trying and fighting for at least the chance to fail. She pulled me aside and for the first time in 6 months I told some one just how overwhelmed I was. I had just taken major test and passed but forgot to three voluntarily test at work an got a write up. The supervisor told me he felt like I ignored him. While he was rambling on about his "professional" feelings I was lost in my own but they had never known it. I was hiding it. My 12 year old had her very first recital and did so well but it was overshadowed by the fact that her father had promises her he would go and he didn't. She broke out in tears as soon as she left the stage. I was devastated completely. She didn't see the beauty in what she was doing or how she is....just the huge disappoint meant that he was to her. I tried my best not to cry right along with her. All I could do was assure her that she was beautiful both inside and out and let here know how much I loved her and remind her that I was always there. Some how I don't think that it is enough.

After class my mind flashed back to seeing Chris body on the table and the nurses stating that the were working to save him and that he was going to be alright....I asked them to stop and let him go. He was gone. There was nothing in his eyes and I felt that he was gone. He had held on for MONTHS so that everyone could say good bye but I knew he was tired. His body was so bloated and he just wasn't there. I sat in my car for the next hour screaming and crying. I was suppose to protect him. If I had just pushed for him not to go and do the surgery then he would still be here. But I remember him telling me that he wanted to get it over with so he could get a job and help me and the girls. He was going to come and stay with me and that made him happy. He never judge me. He would push me to do what I needed to do. He was always there. If I needed it he would get it or break his neck trying. And now that is just gone. I cried the WHOLE way home. Thinking of ways I could have prevented his death and what a great person he was. He wasn't perfect and knew he didn't have to be around me.

I broke. I don't know what I am capable of and I am scared that I will snap. It is my biggest fear that I will hurt some one that I love.I told him that I didn't feel right about the surgery....why didn't he listen.

The wonders of the mind

During the last days of his life my brother and I would sit and REALLY talk. He would ask me about what I really wanted out of life and I would ask him the same. He was ready to grow to be the man that I knew him to be. He was becoming comfortable with his past and really striving to reach his goals. He encouraged me to go back to school. Some thing that I had been putting off for YEARS. I knew I could do it and that he would reach his goals but I wasn't comfortable with making the move. While he was in the hospital I would sneak in and spend the night. The nurses really didn't mind. I would read and watch TV with him. His feet have began to decay. You could literally see the imprint in them because he hadn't walked in 5 months. I would wash them and put lotion on them and some time trim his nails. I started school and remembered promising that I would finish so that I could buy the girls, he and I a house. All I could do was cry my day of school. I must have cried and every class. I miss him and know that he is with me at all times. I love him more than most will ever know. He was a REALLY AWESOME guy, with a lot to offer but no one could see it. I am scared that I will die alone. Women like me are rare but often over looked. But I am always amazed at the wonders with in the human mind.

May is coming

Chris died in May and the closer it comes the more anxiety I feel. Kinda like I am reliving it. Alot lately I have found myself thinking about death. There was a time when I was afraid of it but I was able to get over it.The more that I think about it....the more I am afraid again. I am thinking about being cremated versus buried. When you are buried your body is enclosed. I want to be free. Some days have been good for me and some are less the horrible. But I just take it one day at a time.

The truth

I had a dream last night that I was going about life know what a ugly state the world was in and I knew it was set to end. Then god came to me and said that I can prevent it with the help of an angle. He sent the angel in the most ordinary fashion. I was walking and he just walked up to me and introduced his self but something was familiar about him. I paid no mine. He told me that he knew when and where the anti Christ was going to appear and that we would be able to prevent the end but destroying him. We went and after a long battle, we won. The angel then sat me down and told me how Thankful he was that I decided to help. He said he knows how much I miss him but didn't trust anyone else to fight for the good of mankind. And I paused and said miss you? But I don't even know you. He hung his head low and when he can back up it was Chris. Chris told me that when he flat lined at the hospital god came to him and asked him to fight for him. My brother accepted and told god that with the condition that he get to say goodbye to the ones he love. That is why he came back and lived for five more months. All I could do was cry but he said from now on let them be tears of happiness and not sorrow. I would up feeling like a TRUE child of god and like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders.

Here comes the anniversary

Ugh...........I just want to spend the week in bed.