Today I broke

I was sitting in class taking a test that I wasn't 100% ready for and I got up to give the teacher my paper. I felt bad that I haven't been able to give it 100% like I wanted to and that I couldn't understand everything but was glad that I was trying and fighting for at least the chance to fail. She pulled me aside and for the first time in 6 months I told some one just how overwhelmed I was. I had just taken major test and passed but forgot to three voluntarily test at work an got a write up. The supervisor told me he felt like I ignored him. While he was rambling on about his "professional" feelings I was lost in my own but they had never known it. I was hiding it. My 12 year old had her very first recital and did so well but it was overshadowed by the fact that her father had promises her he would go and he didn't. She broke out in tears as soon as she left the stage. I was devastated completely. She didn't see the beauty in what she was doing or how she is....just the huge disappoint meant that he was to her. I tried my best not to cry right along with her. All I could do was assure her that she was beautiful both inside and out and let here know how much I loved her and remind her that I was always there. Some how I don't think that it is enough.

After class my mind flashed back to seeing Chris body on the table and the nurses stating that the were working to save him and that he was going to be alright....I asked them to stop and let him go. He was gone. There was nothing in his eyes and I felt that he was gone. He had held on for MONTHS so that everyone could say good bye but I knew he was tired. His body was so bloated and he just wasn't there. I sat in my car for the next hour screaming and crying. I was suppose to protect him. If I had just pushed for him not to go and do the surgery then he would still be here. But I remember him telling me that he wanted to get it over with so he could get a job and help me and the girls. He was going to come and stay with me and that made him happy. He never judge me. He would push me to do what I needed to do. He was always there. If I needed it he would get it or break his neck trying. And now that is just gone. I cried the WHOLE way home. Thinking of ways I could have prevented his death and what a great person he was. He wasn't perfect and knew he didn't have to be around me.

I broke. I don't know what I am capable of and I am scared that I will snap. It is my biggest fear that I will hurt some one that I love.I told him that I didn't feel right about the surgery....why didn't he listen.