The wonders of the mind

During the last days of his life my brother and I would sit and REALLY talk. He would ask me about what I really wanted out of life and I would ask him the same. He was ready to grow to be the man that I knew him to be. He was becoming comfortable with his past and really striving to reach his goals. He encouraged me to go back to school. Some thing that I had been putting off for YEARS. I knew I could do it and that he would reach his goals but I wasn't comfortable with making the move. While he was in the hospital I would sneak in and spend the night. The nurses really didn't mind. I would read and watch TV with him. His feet have began to decay. You could literally see the imprint in them because he hadn't walked in 5 months. I would wash them and put lotion on them and some time trim his nails. I started school and remembered promising that I would finish so that I could buy the girls, he and I a house. All I could do was cry my day of school. I must have cried and every class. I miss him and know that he is with me at all times. I love him more than most will ever know. He was a REALLY AWESOME guy, with a lot to offer but no one could see it. I am scared that I will die alone. Women like me are rare but often over looked. But I am always amazed at the wonders with in the human mind.

May is coming

Chris died in May and the closer it comes the more anxiety I feel. Kinda like I am reliving it. Alot lately I have found myself thinking about death. There was a time when I was afraid of it but I was able to get over it.The more that I think about it....the more I am afraid again. I am thinking about being cremated versus buried. When you are buried your body is enclosed. I want to be free. Some days have been good for me and some are less the horrible. But I just take it one day at a time.

The truth

I had a dream last night that I was going about life know what a ugly state the world was in and I knew it was set to end. Then god came to me and said that I can prevent it with the help of an angle. He sent the angel in the most ordinary fashion. I was walking and he just walked up to me and introduced his self but something was familiar about him. I paid no mine. He told me that he knew when and where the anti Christ was going to appear and that we would be able to prevent the end but destroying him. We went and after a long battle, we won. The angel then sat me down and told me how Thankful he was that I decided to help. He said he knows how much I miss him but didn't trust anyone else to fight for the good of mankind. And I paused and said miss you? But I don't even know you. He hung his head low and when he can back up it was Chris. Chris told me that when he flat lined at the hospital god came to him and asked him to fight for him. My brother accepted and told god that with the condition that he get to say goodbye to the ones he love. That is why he came back and lived for five more months. All I could do was cry but he said from now on let them be tears of happiness and not sorrow. I would up feeling like a TRUE child of god and like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders.

Here comes the anniversary

Ugh...........I just want to spend the week in bed.

She dream lively dreams

My baby had a dream that I died. She came into my room just crying her little eyes out. She was very much shaken up and distraught about it. I didnt know what to do or say, partly because it was 6 in the morning and I wasnt 100% awake. She just kept repeating I dont want to lose you, I cant lose you mommy I would die. It truely broke my heart to see her in such a state. I had to exsplain to her that death is a part of life. The thing about it is that it isnt the end. Just a sort of "see you later". I have done well to try to move on from my twins death and think that I am making GREAT progress but every now and then I have my draw backs. We have to embrace it in order for us to lose what fear we have of it.

The search for the cause of my Dream below.....

I'm Being Chased"

Chase dreams is one of several common dream themes. As with most of the common dreams, they often stem from feelings of anxiety in your waking life. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in your environment. In these dreams, you can be pursued by an attacker, an animal or an unknown figure, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. In turn, you run, hide or try to outwit your pursuer. Your actions in the dream parallel how you respond to pressure and cope with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it. Ask yourself who is the one chasing you so that you can gain understanding and insight on the source of your fears and anxieties.

The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent an aspect of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. The shadowy figure can also symbolize rejected characteristics of your self. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you. Perhaps you are running away from something. What are you trying to run from?

If you are the one doing the chasing, then the dream may highlight your drive and ambition to go after something you want. Or perhaps the dream suggests that you are falling behind and having to catch up with everyone else.

Consider the distance or gap between you and your pursuer. This indicates your closeness to the issue. If the pursuer is gaining on you, then it suggests that the problem is not going to go away. The problem will surround you until you confront and address it. However, if you are able to widen the gap between your pursuer, then the problem is becoming less and less of an issue. You are able to successful distance yourself from the problem. In essence, the problem is fading away.

A more direct analysis of chase dreams is the fear of being attacked. Such dreams are more common among women than men, who may feel physically vulnerable in the urban environment. These dreams are inspired by fears of violence and sexual assault in which we are so over-exposed from the media, which magnifies such fears.

This is what I found for a response to a earlier dream. Kinda struck a nerve.

My dreams crazyest

I just woke up from the most crazyiest dream. I drempt that Chris was trapped in the most craziest modern kinda alice in wonderland kinds place and was trying to make his way to heaven. But I wasn't the only one there. The devil had sent demons to try to lure him to hell. I just kept singing hyms even when I was scared to death and Chris keep following me. Even when I felt my weakest I would sing a gospel song and he would began to follow me. He was like an older person that isn't in their right mind. He didn't quite remember me but he wasn't putting it pass that he did know me. We made it to his crossing over point and he recognized me right before he left. All I could do was cry. He kept saying Thank you for not giving up on me. Your dreams mean more then you realize, I am off to find out what mine ment at 1:20 am.