My twin and my husband never got along. I don't know if they were in some weired way fighting for my affections or thought that I was going to love one less then the other but they didn't like each other. My brother always thought that I was too good for my husband and that he didn't deserve me. Oddly enough this was unbeknown to me. He told his friends how he felt but he always supported me. Cedric V. Brown for some reason caught my attention and my heart.

When my brother died Cedric came to the hospital once to see him. Chris was loaded with tubes and unable to talk or really interact. He looked at him and prayed but seemed to kinda distance him self from what was before him. Not that he didn't care but that it was uneasy for him to watch.

When Chris died I was called to the hospital and went upstairs. He was laying in the bed...facing up, eyes wide open and butt naked. I knew he was gone. I went home and sat in the car in the rain and waited on the girls to get home so I could tell them what had happen. My husband knew as soon as he saw me get out of the car. He hugged me and we went inside. He poured me a drink. Ced knew that I didn't drink but that if ever I needed a drink it was then.

Shortly there after we feel out. He didn't go to the funeral and seemed frustrated that he couldn't find a job. He had even applied to McDonald's. Now looking back I can see that in his eyes he needed the job to save his family. But for me to have suffered a loss like that and him to not have been at my side DEEPLY troubled me. I was angry and kicked him out. I didn't understand why he couldn't be there for me. I was very hurt. During the course of our marriage I had taken care of him. Not because he was lazy but because when we first met he had a stroke and was never really the same. I went to see him every day for a month and a half while he was in the hospital. When he needed to be cleaned I would clean him. I would also make sure he was fed and had his meds. He told his aunt he knew I loved him from that day on.

The fact that we fell out over something so preventable angers me. The lack of communication and understanding is sad. See.....Cedric died 2/1/2011. He was only 36. I still very much loved him but no matter how hard i looked for him and try to find him I couldn't. He lived pretty much like a nomad. I don't know if he knew just how much I loved him and that I really didn't want to choose between him and my twin. Ced died alone, in the wee hours of the morning on the bathroom floor of a rooming house. He was alone. He died of high blood pressure and the valve in his heart busted and flooded his chest with blood. He had been dead some days before they found him. How no one heard him fall in a house full of people is appalling.

Even given the manner of his death and the fact that he and I didn't get back together like we were obviously planning.....I still loved him. I think that god just has other plans for him. I know now just the scope of how much I love him and how I will never stop. The fact that he was still looking for me and planning to get us back is evidence that he still loved me. I hate that I didn't get to tell him I loved him but .......some how I feel he knows. One day I will see him again and until then I take comfort in the joy he brought into my life.





Gone but NEVER forgotten. RIP Cedric Vondell Brown

Yayyyyyy me

Just wanted to post that today I hiked 5 miles with my little babies. Sure I was tired and in pain but my daughters loved it. If I had a perm I would have been mad. But it was really worth it.

My how times change

I know I haven't written in a year and there is so much that has changed. But I want to share something that has completely changed me for the better. In early 2010 I went back to school and began attending classes. That coupled with work and the kids I became very busy. Long story short I became pregnant with the child of my childhood sweetheart. I didnt really know until I was 5 months. One of the most depressing things was that I didnt have my brother to tell me things were going to be alright and that he stood by me. I was use to having his support and love. I pretty much ended up going thru it by myself but for some reason I was not. I mean I was chipper and happy.

When the big day came for me to deliver I was asleep and had a dream that my brother was talking to me about my daughter (unborn) and telling me congratulations. I woke up thinking that I had to go to the bathroom but the stream of "urine" was continuous. I didn't think nothing of it. I went to walmart and rode around on the scooter just in case. Then while in the dairy section I had the sharpest pain ever and I knew it was time for me to go. When I got to the hospital sure enough my water had broken.

The thing I feared most was having to go on the operating table. I knew that I would have to have a C section but hoped that they wouldn't put me under. As I was administered that pain medication I started to sing "you are my sunshine" and cry uncontrollably. Here I was delivering early, alone and scared. I kept thinking about Chis and how he went in the operation thinking that it was going to be alright and how it turned out. I panicked on the table and had to be given something to calm me down. It was frightening and cold. When I heard her crying I remember feeling a sense of peace and like he was in the room by me. My brother wanted the best for me. Even though I may have made a lot of mistakes in my life he always stood by me. Even if he didn't agree. For that I love him. Taylor Chris Poindexter may never know her uncle personally but I know he loves her and will do everything in my power to make sure she knows him.

Today I broke

I was sitting in class taking a test that I wasn't 100% ready for and I got up to give the teacher my paper. I felt bad that I haven't been able to give it 100% like I wanted to and that I couldn't understand everything but was glad that I was trying and fighting for at least the chance to fail. She pulled me aside and for the first time in 6 months I told some one just how overwhelmed I was. I had just taken major test and passed but forgot to three voluntarily test at work an got a write up. The supervisor told me he felt like I ignored him. While he was rambling on about his "professional" feelings I was lost in my own but they had never known it. I was hiding it. My 12 year old had her very first recital and did so well but it was overshadowed by the fact that her father had promises her he would go and he didn't. She broke out in tears as soon as she left the stage. I was devastated completely. She didn't see the beauty in what she was doing or how she is....just the huge disappoint meant that he was to her. I tried my best not to cry right along with her. All I could do was assure her that she was beautiful both inside and out and let here know how much I loved her and remind her that I was always there. Some how I don't think that it is enough.

After class my mind flashed back to seeing Chris body on the table and the nurses stating that the were working to save him and that he was going to be alright....I asked them to stop and let him go. He was gone. There was nothing in his eyes and I felt that he was gone. He had held on for MONTHS so that everyone could say good bye but I knew he was tired. His body was so bloated and he just wasn't there. I sat in my car for the next hour screaming and crying. I was suppose to protect him. If I had just pushed for him not to go and do the surgery then he would still be here. But I remember him telling me that he wanted to get it over with so he could get a job and help me and the girls. He was going to come and stay with me and that made him happy. He never judge me. He would push me to do what I needed to do. He was always there. If I needed it he would get it or break his neck trying. And now that is just gone. I cried the WHOLE way home. Thinking of ways I could have prevented his death and what a great person he was. He wasn't perfect and knew he didn't have to be around me.

I broke. I don't know what I am capable of and I am scared that I will snap. It is my biggest fear that I will hurt some one that I love.I told him that I didn't feel right about the surgery....why didn't he listen.

The wonders of the mind

During the last days of his life my brother and I would sit and REALLY talk. He would ask me about what I really wanted out of life and I would ask him the same. He was ready to grow to be the man that I knew him to be. He was becoming comfortable with his past and really striving to reach his goals. He encouraged me to go back to school. Some thing that I had been putting off for YEARS. I knew I could do it and that he would reach his goals but I wasn't comfortable with making the move. While he was in the hospital I would sneak in and spend the night. The nurses really didn't mind. I would read and watch TV with him. His feet have began to decay. You could literally see the imprint in them because he hadn't walked in 5 months. I would wash them and put lotion on them and some time trim his nails. I started school and remembered promising that I would finish so that I could buy the girls, he and I a house. All I could do was cry my day of school. I must have cried and every class. I miss him and know that he is with me at all times. I love him more than most will ever know. He was a REALLY AWESOME guy, with a lot to offer but no one could see it. I am scared that I will die alone. Women like me are rare but often over looked. But I am always amazed at the wonders with in the human mind.

May is coming

Chris died in May and the closer it comes the more anxiety I feel. Kinda like I am reliving it. Alot lately I have found myself thinking about death. There was a time when I was afraid of it but I was able to get over it.The more that I think about it....the more I am afraid again. I am thinking about being cremated versus buried. When you are buried your body is enclosed. I want to be free. Some days have been good for me and some are less the horrible. But I just take it one day at a time.

The truth

I had a dream last night that I was going about life know what a ugly state the world was in and I knew it was set to end. Then god came to me and said that I can prevent it with the help of an angle. He sent the angel in the most ordinary fashion. I was walking and he just walked up to me and introduced his self but something was familiar about him. I paid no mine. He told me that he knew when and where the anti Christ was going to appear and that we would be able to prevent the end but destroying him. We went and after a long battle, we won. The angel then sat me down and told me how Thankful he was that I decided to help. He said he knows how much I miss him but didn't trust anyone else to fight for the good of mankind. And I paused and said miss you? But I don't even know you. He hung his head low and when he can back up it was Chris. Chris told me that when he flat lined at the hospital god came to him and asked him to fight for him. My brother accepted and told god that with the condition that he get to say goodbye to the ones he love. That is why he came back and lived for five more months. All I could do was cry but he said from now on let them be tears of happiness and not sorrow. I would up feeling like a TRUE child of god and like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders.

Here comes the anniversary

Ugh...........I just want to spend the week in bed.

She dream lively dreams

My baby had a dream that I died. She came into my room just crying her little eyes out. She was very much shaken up and distraught about it. I didnt know what to do or say, partly because it was 6 in the morning and I wasnt 100% awake. She just kept repeating I dont want to lose you, I cant lose you mommy I would die. It truely broke my heart to see her in such a state. I had to exsplain to her that death is a part of life. The thing about it is that it isnt the end. Just a sort of "see you later". I have done well to try to move on from my twins death and think that I am making GREAT progress but every now and then I have my draw backs. We have to embrace it in order for us to lose what fear we have of it.

The search for the cause of my Dream below.....

I'm Being Chased"

Chase dreams is one of several common dream themes. As with most of the common dreams, they often stem from feelings of anxiety in your waking life. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in your environment. In these dreams, you can be pursued by an attacker, an animal or an unknown figure, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. In turn, you run, hide or try to outwit your pursuer. Your actions in the dream parallel how you respond to pressure and cope with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it. Ask yourself who is the one chasing you so that you can gain understanding and insight on the source of your fears and anxieties.

The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent an aspect of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. The shadowy figure can also symbolize rejected characteristics of your self. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you. Perhaps you are running away from something. What are you trying to run from?

If you are the one doing the chasing, then the dream may highlight your drive and ambition to go after something you want. Or perhaps the dream suggests that you are falling behind and having to catch up with everyone else.

Consider the distance or gap between you and your pursuer. This indicates your closeness to the issue. If the pursuer is gaining on you, then it suggests that the problem is not going to go away. The problem will surround you until you confront and address it. However, if you are able to widen the gap between your pursuer, then the problem is becoming less and less of an issue. You are able to successful distance yourself from the problem. In essence, the problem is fading away.

A more direct analysis of chase dreams is the fear of being attacked. Such dreams are more common among women than men, who may feel physically vulnerable in the urban environment. These dreams are inspired by fears of violence and sexual assault in which we are so over-exposed from the media, which magnifies such fears.

This is what I found for a response to a earlier dream. Kinda struck a nerve.

My dreams crazyest

I just woke up from the most crazyiest dream. I drempt that Chris was trapped in the most craziest modern kinda alice in wonderland kinds place and was trying to make his way to heaven. But I wasn't the only one there. The devil had sent demons to try to lure him to hell. I just kept singing hyms even when I was scared to death and Chris keep following me. Even when I felt my weakest I would sing a gospel song and he would began to follow me. He was like an older person that isn't in their right mind. He didn't quite remember me but he wasn't putting it pass that he did know me. We made it to his crossing over point and he recognized me right before he left. All I could do was cry. He kept saying Thank you for not giving up on me. Your dreams mean more then you realize, I am off to find out what mine ment at 1:20 am.

Just .....ugh..... Lord help me...please.

Today I was reminded of why Chris was always kinda protective and defensive when it came to me. I had a male friend or shall I say someone that I thought was a do some straight GRIMY shyt... like just grimy. And I just got so heated and lost my temper. How could you let me do for you as a friend and pretend to have good intentions in a friendship if that is truely not where your attentions lie. He just ugh.... a huge ass regret. He called my phone after ignoring me for DAYS and have me worried about your well being. My brother use to cool me down and just tell me how nothing that I think is serious enough to get mad over is not that serious at all.... I started to do some real G s*#! but caught myself. It wasn't that serious when I really thought about it and he was right people reap what they sow. The best that we can hope for in this life is to have good company until god calls us home. So Iam asking you guys to pray lord...please help her temper and help her to outgrow it. All Iam coming up with is just ugh.....lord help me....please.

Memorial

I won a tattoo contest and went to go and get it on Monday. I wrote about my brother and why I miss him. The guy that actually tatted me had twins and said that he most definitely knew what I was going thru to a degree. People act like it is a switch and I can just turn it off but I am going thru some thing alot more complicated then that. I went with the fear of the pain from the tat but there was a completely different feeling once I was actually there getting it done. I felt better. Alot of the pain and the hurt that I was feeling related to the death dissipated. I felt relieved and relaxed. My sister has been procrastinating about getting one but that isn't me. Where there is a will there is always a way. It turned out real nice and I was happy with the end result. The whole time he was doing it we went over stories Chris. This bus itself was completely tricked out and state of the art. Everything was top notch and up to date. I was impressed. There has been change in my behavior since I have gotten it. I have been smiling every time some one ask me about it. My face just lights up like a Christmas tree. I feel ALOT better. Kinda like I released some of the anger and negative emotions. But there is a stare that I get from certain people that is kinda funny, funny because they look at me as if I am a thug or some outlaw type and that couldn't be further from the truth.

Ugh today was just awful...... Things I had hope to do for my brother myself are being over taken by others and right now I just don't want to be bothered by anyone at all. ....ugh.

One of my sisters called me early in the morning yesturday crying about Chris. See he has a Myspace and the only reason she hasn't deleted her's is because he is one of her friends. It said "Christopher is in your extended network"... She busted out crying cause she said she would rather he be here. Death is never really easy but it is a fact of life. Pray for healing and guidence and god will see you thru.

To clarify I didn't make this blog to make people depressed or bring them down. But to let the know what I saw in the last days of his life and why I celebrate him. Chris was a very special kind of person. He had what my grandmother would call a old soul. He cared about every one around him and everything. I use to get mad at him all the time for doing so much for others and not enough for himself. I was in the library when someone asked me about him. I just busted out crying. Most that know me know that it is EXTREMELY abnormal for me to be such a blubbering mess. I can't really complain because I got to say my goodbyes and he knew that I loved him deeply and would have done anything for him. He was in so much pain in his final days that that fact that he died is not what hurts but the fact that he will never again go thru my refrigerator and eat all my left overs. He will never again go thru my car to make sure I have a spare tire and jack. From time to time I will be posting my thoughts on him in this blog as a way of venting if you will. Feel free to put what you want on here as well, cause since writing it has helped me immensely. Always let your love ones know that you love them and keep them close to your heart cause you never know when god will call them home.

Christopher Robert Poindexter passed the day before Memorial day. He went into the hospital to have a mass removed off his kidney and flatlined on the table for 20 minutes. He was 27 years old. When they brought him back he had brain damage from being under for so long. Chris had seizures and the tremors. He has to get a tracheotomy to help him breath (hole in the neck). Since January 23 he was in a semi comatose state. He had lost an lot of weight and the hair in the back of his head from lack of movement. Chris held on till every one that I could contact made it down there to say their goodbyes. I am posting this so I don't have to keep telling people. It hurts to keep going over it. He was heaven sent and a GREAT person. The first pick is the day before and the second is afterwards. Please tell anyone that you dont think know.